I did it my way

Chapter 10

“And now the end is near”

First of all Thankyou for reading. Sometimes it hasn’t been the most upbeat of blogs. I hope you can relate in some way.

To put it into a nutshell going from being in a mental hospital in October to go forward to May I have my own buisness with a wonderful partner Sophie. I have an amazing agent Russell. I’m excited to maybe get back on the stage in panto. And I do the most wonderfuk classes with some lovely women.

Flashback to September. “The cold jolt of life that hit me in the face when I woke”. The Christmas that I was around loved ones and felt numb. Waking up and running to the local shop to get my next hit of nicotine. Smoking 20 a day. (May I add I’ve been smoke free since February) Go me. Waking up at dawn and the first thing that came into my head day after day after day was how will I die tonight. You can’t explain why but you must do it. Dreaming of culver cliff, wanting an injection to end it. Endlessly going through google trying to find what heavy plunge to death would be best for me in the uk.

One day I woke and I felt bad. And I googled suicide spots in the uk. I came across beachy head. One of the top suicide spots in the uk. I actually booked a ticket. I didn’t go.

In the lead up to that long christmas I bought a rope from b and q. Yes I know what you are thinking, so Jamie was thinking about milking himself. I suppose I was. But would I seriously go through with it. Well to lighten the tone folks I’m rubbish at tieing knots.

The hell I put my family through. The selfishness and tunnel vision. The cocktail of drugs I was put on to numb the pain. The reverse effect of the feeling it gave me. The lack of motivation, my drive and most of all…… me. I lost me. I didn’t recognise myself. I didn’t care how I looked. I had this thing in my head that I didn’t know how to dress anymore. And if you know me you will know I love clothes.

I am telling you this not because I’m cured. No I never will be. But there was a light that shon. A pause was given. I don’t entirely believe in god. But I don’t believe god gave me a pandemic. But he gave me time. Sweet, paused time. No pressure, no expectation. Please never think I’m promoting a pandemic that kills. But I took something from time. I was supposed to go on a ship for a year.

The ship got cancelled, half a sixpence on the island got cancelled. In a way life as we knew it got cancelled. And like a heavy force being lifted off me not suddenly. It wasn’t as if lockdown hit and I did the Macarena. I felt sheer panic over this pandemic. It wasn’t COVID it was me. Slowly but surely I helped mum create classes on zoom. I was out with my dad walking the dog on the beach. Suddenly it came to me. Some might say a eureka moment. “Dad I’m gonna set up a my own buisness” Dad, “you what?” Me “yeah I’m gonna set workshops up on zoom”. He laughed and said “Do you have a poo bag?” I rushed home and stayed up till 3 am messaging all of the people I have met a long the way in theatre. And the response was something I hadn’t expected. 90% of them jumped at the chance. Then I re connected with my friend from college Sophie. I told her my idea and she said yeah I will help you. And we both said what a lovely hobby it will be. Sophie is the order, drive and structure of the business. She isn’t just my business partner she is my friend. I’m so lucky to have her with me. We told ourselves it will be lovely for us to have a vehicle where we can pay our friends and have a little bit of money to buy some groceries.

Fast forward to now. We held a Matilda workshop with attendance of 100 children and it sold out. This buisness isn’t just for lockdown it’s for as long as we love it. We will now be going into face to face workshops when this is over. We hold broadway and westend and now tv wokrshops. Hard work has paid off.

No I’m not cured. No my mental state isn’t perfection. But I’m being kind to myself. And for once I can say…… I’m proud of myself. Do I love me the person I am….. No but I’m learning to love myself. Be kind, be you and don’t give a F#%# what anyone else thinks.

Thanks for reading

J x

“There is a beauty in the world, though it’s harsher than we expect it to be.”

Coming out of a mental hospital you think you will be healed and have a eureka moment. That was not the case at all. The cold mornings continue and the heavy jolt of life became my every day. Heavy jolt meaning my brain taking over and my heart beating fast. With nothing to wake up for apart for my beautiful family and friends the world looked greyer then it was. That sinking feeling when the phone rang. I would pick up the phone and it would feel cold even if it wasn’t cold. This time period I would liken to a bright sunny day that looks like the greyest dullest day you have ever experienced. 

Ok, ok I know this sounds depressing. Sometimes the truth is depressing. Some funny things about this time. I seemed to smell a lot. Im not joking guys I stank. I looked like a homeless man. My dad used to make me laugh always trying to crack a joke, my mum telling me Jamie everything is going to be ok and my sister proud of me for making a sandwich that day.

My family….. What can I say the they are the sunflower that guides you to the light, the home you always want, the one thing that can make you smile when you feel like death. My mum, a lioness who protects her cubs, and the fiercest goddam kindest woman on this earth, the wolrd is truly a better place with her in. My sister, the Holly Willobooby, Mollie King beautiful radiant soul. A dark room is a bright room with my sister in it. My dad, your rock, rockstar and best friend. The man who can fix any situation calmy with love.

The days were hard. They felt like years. The thundering feeling of nothing. The juxtaposition of horror and nothing rolled into one. Taking medication was hard for me. For some reason I hated it , no I despised it. I know, I know its so good for many people but being a creative person I felt like it was sapping me of me. Drugs I took, Mirtazapine, diazepam, Quetiapine, Rispiridone, E citalopram and some weird sleeping pills. Don’t worry I didn’t taker them all at once but this was the cocktail of numbness the feeling of dull. Calming……. Maybe, nothingness yes. The one drug for me that really stuck was Rispiredone, an anti psychotic with a sting in its tail. So lets talk to the devil, doctor google. I do the worst thing you can do I look up the side effexts of this beast of a drug.

Weight gain

Dizziness

Sleepliness

Itching 

Suicidal thoughts

You guessed it I got them all. With this drug the cure was really worse then the thing itself. I stopped the drug cold turkey. Please do not do this yourself. Do the opposite. Go to your doctor and be advised. The days dragged on. My highlight was going to bed at 830pmevery night and closing my eyes was the happiest of places to be. No numb, no feeling just nothing. But wait whats this. It’s the sunrise. Its hope.

Both sides now

Chapter 8

I’ve looked at life from both sides now. The good, the bad and the ugly. That cold numb feeling of nothing to the ecstatic feeling of being on the stage. Either way it’s a feeling if it’s nothing.

When I was on the stage as Joseph in that February did I expect that I would be in a mental hospital by October that same year. The answer is no. The sedating edge it gave me, the cold mornings with a blanket as thin as tissue. Saying bye to my parents each day wishing I was watching strictly with them. No one ever expects to be in mental hospital. It wasn’t in my plan. I suppose no one plans to end up there.

I chose to go in there though after numerous home visits that didn’t work I was seeing them every day after my attempt and nothing worked. A bed cake up and my I was umming and arring and something in my head said maybe you need this.

My mum drove me with my little bag packed with just a pair of pants and some extra strong mints and a toothbrush as I was convinced I was going to only stay a night. As they unlocked the heavy bolted door there was truly no going back. How did I feel being in there. I felt nothing. No fear, no sadness just numb. My mum left and I could tell she was upset. Suddenly I was surrounded by so many people but I never felt so alone. I knew they wanted to help me and I suppose they did, but all I could think was I want to go home.

In total I was in there for a week. I tried to get released every day and they were having none of it. They lured me to stay as I was always in denial it was mental health I was convinced it was a physical illness.

They told me they would do many physical checks which they did but I soon cake to realise that wasn’t their priority. I thought they wanted to tell me I was mad. That wasn’t the case.

On the first night I stood in line for my first bout of my cocktail in a little paper cup doused down with ice cold water. I had no idea what I had taken. I just put it in me and hoped it helped me sleep.

That night was scary, cold and lonely. I pulled my thin paper sheet over me and put my eye mask and every 15 minutes I was checked to see I hadn’t done anything to myself. It was awful. I got up and begged to get out and they refused. They gave me diazepam to help me sleep. At around 6 am I fell asleep and opened my eyes at 7am to a bang on my door wi a paper cup ready to feed me more drugs. And all I thought was is this my life now?

The coming days grew harder to cope………..

Dream of sheep

I woke up at 7:20 am to a cold morning. The feeling of dread opening my eyes. Another day. I pulled my duvet off me looked in the mirror and ran downstairs. Mum and dad has taken the dog for a walk. The feeling was impulse. I didn’t want to be in the world any longer….

I wonder what the last song I listened to was.

I rushed downstairs and was frantic. I had on on my computer and tried to gas myself remembering that scene from the holiday. I then grabbed every pill in my house and swallowed them. It wasn’t enough I was alive. I got on my bike and rode to the cliff near my house. Culver cliff or be precise. I didn’t even cry. I wasn’t shaking. I felt numb. I felt like someone had taken over my body. Before I got to the top of the cliff my dad for some reason found me. For some weird reason him, my mum and my sister knew I was there. It was a cold September day. My mum arrived in her car. She was crying. She had to cancel her zumba class. I got in her car. We drove. I was sick out the window.

The next hour I forgot. I was out of it. I was sick in the hospital. My sister arrived and cried. My mum, my dad and my sister. Around my bed. They were scared and I had done that to them. They decided to keep me over night and I was put on a drip. My mum brought me a picnic. I was out of it. My mum held my hand and hummed to me. She was my home in Newport hospital. My mum is a lioness. She protects her cubs and I was her cub that night. She is my light my day my home my mum.

I’m not telling you this to scare you. Because this was only months ago and look at me now. This is about turning into a warrior. And after this I taught and taught until I couldn’t fight anymore. And now reader I’m nailing this life……

He’s just not that into you

Chapter 6

I was debating doing a chapter about this but I would say this really was the start of my breakdown. I was in Joseph with a cast that were so wonderful. I met some friends for life on that tour.

On stage I felt happy and content, offstage was a different story. So I got a call from First dates hotel saying we love your application we have found you a man. I couldn’t quite believe I was going to be on TV. It wasn’t an aspiration in my life but I have always wondered how it works. More then anything I wanted to meet someone.

I arrived at Naples with a group of random people at the airport, they were the other potential dates. Obviously not my potential date as he was being hidden from me. First night I stayed in a really weird hotel with china dolls in, the morning after I got picked up and got taken to the Amalfi coast. It was stunning. As soon as you get your mix and that little blue car I was in went past that gate you were being filmed 24/7.

So I turned up to my date after having a day of filming me by the pool doing press ups. I saw this man at the bar my potential future husband. Said hello to Fred and he dropped me off at my date. I saw him and thought hmmm interesting choice for me, I felt nervous as he wasn’t my normal type. Then he started talking and in the words of Beyoncé, he had me at hello…..

Our heavily edited date is something different to the actual thing. On camera he was a joy. I couldn’t stop thinking I have met my future husband and I actually thought he felt the same….. How wrong could I be.

His story about his mum was touching and I thought he was gorgeous. And going from thinking who an earth have they put me with to please marry me. He liked Tennis, he liked Cher lloyd and loved theatre too. What more could I want.

Now we go to the end of the restaurant date. It goes to the interview when we say are we gonna go on another date.

His vibe changed, like a switch he seemed awkward about me and cagey. He wanted me to go first so I did and said yes I want to see you again and he said it too BUT something wasn’t right.

As we went to the pool bar off camera I felt he was there maybe more to promote which is absolutely fine and I get it. I don’t judge him for that and he told a wonderful story but the change in someone off camera is terrifying. I can’t be anything but me. Real. Maybe that’s my problem.

In the end he said I needed too much reassurance etc.

Hang on is that a bad thing? Yes I suppose it is. Maybe I should play a game not text back. Skip to the next day and you know what happened he said no. My heart dropped and I felt embarrassed. The worst thing was I had to stay with him all day then stay in another hotel with him and go for dinner.

To sum this up……. Be needy, need reassurance, feel free to text that guy back straight away because that’s your authentic self. Yes I don’t filter (apart from my pictures.) But dear future husband, I hope you can take me for what I am. Sadly I think my date wanted me to be some cool gay who wears no socks and doesn’t text you back and is super confident, basically bless him don’t think he was looking for love anyway.

I left Naples vulnerable, emotional and with so much self doubt. Then I pressed a switch I like to call self destrut……. I needed attention and fast, he didn’t give me it so I was out to find it from anyone. This my friends is unhealthy. I wanted to be accepted, appreciated, needed and loved. But my god if it was love I wanted post first dates I was looking in the wrong place. The week that followed was something of a nightmare. I arrived back in London……………

Chapter 5

Rain on me

so I woke up at 4am to the not so gentle sound of rain. I left my window open and my bed is now wet. It’s what you might call a storm. It reminded me of a song. “Storms don’t last forever” Just those words together. That simple four words might just get you through. Btw I’m up at 5 am writing this thanks to my window being open.

So back to the story, my story I suppose, no let’s call it our story. Let’s skip some years. My partner at the time left me, and I have to put my hands up and own this one, I wasn’t the best bf in the end. A depressive, health anxiety ridden needy mess without a job doesn’t make for a good bf. So I went it alone for the first time in 3 years. My shield wasn’t there, my home. He was my home and he will remain anonymous. But I really can’t tell you how special that person is. I want to celebrate people in my life. No we don’t talk, but he is the kindest human I have met. Truly he was my little bit of glitter in the grey. I mean it’s a lot to dedicate a chapter to my ex but I kind of had to. He stuck by me through this.

In our happiest times which were many,

We sat in our flat in forest hill on a Sunday and just sit and laugh then we would walk to Dulwich and look at all the expensive houses we could never live in.

The reason I’m writing this is because I’m coming back to that quote.

: I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts.

Was that happiness? Being with him……….. I believe it’s the closest thing I’ve got. I wasn’t planning on this being about him, In fact it’s not about him, it’s about a time in my life where I was simply content. But not whole, not complete. But happy. So Thankyou anonymous man for showing me that men like you exist. You are rare. And I’m so happy you are happy.

But the sad news is post anonymous man is when round 2 really began………

Chapter 4 

The Hours

Clarissa Vaughn: I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn’t the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.

A brief pause from my story, I dedicate this chapter to you the Reader. My fellow warrior of life,  It really is ok to not be ok. To lose yourself and have to be reborn again, like a tree that’s knocked down and part of it remains and grows again. The one thing Mental health has ensured is new beginnings. To look at life in the face and fight like its your last day everyday takes strength. But maybe fighting  isn’t what’s needed. To fight would be to not stop. Oh my god….. to stop, to breath, to listen to a whole song to watch a program to read a whole book. Now that’s my fear. The hours. The hours I know im losing to social media distractions. I would rather promote a good life rather then have one. To be your authentic self is terrifying.

Addiction

Addiction doesn’t have to be cocaine, coffee or alcohol, Our modern day addiction my modern day addiction is Social media. The hold and grab, the heavy jolt of the tides that bind you to that phone. Like glue I’m stuck. Not living, not being. I’m distracting. I’m using distraction as a self-destruct tool without knowing. I know carol down the road who is on my Facebook doesn’t want to see my body but somehow I just go and let my fingers go deep into the realms of Facebook narcissism. Instead of living I’m doing something and thinking will this look good online. We must stop. I must stop. I must realise it worries people to see this of me. If I stop I have to deal with my problems. 

Friends

Getting caught up with followers and such you lose your friends. It’s simple. Why put all your time into replying to “you are hot” “ can I meet your dog” “ I want to do bad things to you” rather then. No stop, breath phones a friend. I now think of Chris Tarrant in this time. It’s working. My friends who have stuck by me matter.  I must add anyone who reaches out about mental health I will gladly reply to. 

Conclusion

Always be kind. But remember you cant save someone else if you havnt saved yourself. To stop terrifies me and maybe you reader. But I will stop I will listen to Beethoven I will bake, I will clean, I will paddleboard. I will learn to be in the moment. Because that’s all we have. 

Yours sincerely 

Work in progress

Chapter 3 

I’m going home 

I’m going to skip forward a bit as I was sailing through life fine. Audition, get a part,not get a part,  stop, work at Harrods, and this cycle went on for 5 years until I got Joseph my dream job. I was working in Harrods at the time in a Prada exhibition dressed in my Prada suit talking/blagging information on the history of Prada. By chance my mum was coming to London, we had got front row to see Miss Saigon to cheer me up as my life consisted of Harrods and not getting jobs. That phone call I will never forget. My agent Gemma phoned and told me you got it, you got Joseph. Those feelings I can never recreate. I had auditioned for this bloody show 4 times. It was now or never. By chance the perfect track had come up for me, the Frenchman who sings Those Canaan days. My body felt like jelly during the call, it was like this electric feeling running through my body. Some people might say oh its just an ensemble member In Joseph but after endless no’s this was the moment I had waited for.

Again let’s skip forward. I auditioned for The Rocky horror show. I was up for cover Frank, Brad  and Rocky. I got to the finals and ended up first reserve. First reserve means If the actor who gets the job refuses you end up getting the part. At this point I just thought that’s it I haven’t got it and moved to the Isle of wight with my bf at the time, we were there a day when I got the call. “Jamie you’ve got Rocky” This was another dream show for me. I could finally get paid for being outrageous. The contract was a year and it was European but mainly Germany. I snapped up the chance and said yes, my bf was kind and encouraged me. I felt nervous but I knew this was an opportunity I couldn’t miss.

I got to Cologne Germany to start rehearsals and was welcomed by a lovely cast at the airport. Cologne was a dream and the happy part of the contract. It was a busy schedule but that was normal. We then put up the show and then it was onto the covers.  My covers were the hardest, The lead, the cute guy who sings a song with an A and Rocky who has to be buff. 

As time went on I lost weight, probably around a stone. I looked pale and by the time we were in Milan I was convinced I had some sort of disease. I had no energy and I was cold all the time. My brain was fried and I simply couldn’t do the time warp again. The moment I knew something was up was when I considered leaving the show. Theatre has always and always will be a huge driving force in my life, but at that moment I knew I my health was more important. Trawling doctor google after shows diagnosing myself with every disease. I wasn’t holding anything down and my exhaustion got worse. I just wanted to sleep.

Enough was enough. Snowy Vienna arrived and in the immortal words of frank in his last song in the show I muttered the words to the cast “Im going home” and I did. It broke my heart to leave my dream job. This was where the fun was about to really begin. I thought I would come home have a blood test and all would be fine, I was so so wrong. It was nearing Christmas and my parents were shocked how thin I was. So it began test after test, 5 CT scans, 6 MRI’s and gallons of my blood. All to get the same answer, there is nothing wrong with you its in your head. I was so frustrated and confused. Health anxiety wasn’t something I had heard about. It was crippling, my poor bf at the time had to put up with me being in bed constantly and more interested in cancer sites then him. This went on for 5 months. It was the coldest winter on record the snow fell and so did hope for me. I wanted to be found. But then the sun appeared in April and a glimmer of hope arrived……..

Chapter 2

God I hope I get it

So my days at Shanklin theatre were coming to a close. I learnt so much at that theatre with Karen Reader at the helm I was safe. She was this powerhouse one of kind. She taught me stamina to always fight. I was never a favourite in life I have always had to fight. It really helped me in the future. I used to love all day rehearsals where half way through the day we would go to chubbys chips or paramount and order so much food. This life seemed so easy to me. No mask to wear just me. I was happy, no mental health podcasts to get me through the day, no failed meditation attempts. Just pure fun. Was I a happy kid? Yes I suppose I was. I had a GIRLFRIEND yes I know!!! She was and is a joy, she is another influence of my life, she showed me what a harmony is. We used to do gigs at local pubs and Rosie had/has this voice like its almost been sent from heaven, at that point mine was more like a dodgy Michael ball tribute. Once when we performed a man at his table had to move to another as he said I was too loud.

I came to this point in my life where I knew I needed more. Sandown high at that point was a sports college and as wonderful as pru lee was giving me the opportunity  to be in Alevel drama pieces at the age of 14, I thought I had made it. Pru Lee was inspiring. I remember watching my sister do this piece for her A level she did the three witches from Macbeth the room was scattered with autumn leaves and they played on swings, it still remains one of the most wonderful things I have seen.

My sister

Mollie king from the Saturdays, she has the talent. She in every way was more talented then me. But now she has gone on to create a wonderful family. So im veering off.  I got a place at Tring park Arts ed. For a little boy from the island this was HUGE. This school has Lily James, Daisy Ridley and many more amazing  people. I arrived scared and felt sick. The building was daunting, my mum and dad left me at the gates, I unpacked my things and felt odd. Like I had been transported to space.   I had a arrived in a high kicking, high belting world of theatre. I was excited but mainly terrified. As I unpacked my case I found a letter in my bag from my mum and dad. I remember the words Jamie you can do this. I didn’t think I would last……. And well I did.

I wasn’t a favourite at Tring. I had to fight for everything again and it really helped me. Lawrence my singing teacher gave me extra singing classes, I payed of course. I auditioned for 3 drama schools after Tring and somehow I got into all three. But hang on lets not rush ahead. Theatre school you say…….. Oh loads of gay guys having fun, you couldn’t be further from the truth. I believe my mental health started at this point. I knew I was gay but even at a fame school I couldn’t do it. But did I dooooo it….. Yes I did but it was all a secret. Then I went to GSA and it was literally like that Diana Ross song in freshers IM COMING OUT!!! And my god I came out. Here I met the love of my life, Emily Booth. She is a bit of a cow but I love her. GSA would teach me about the hardships of this industry, with 30 plus people in our year again I wasn’t a favourite and did that make me stronger hell yeah. But did I also like going to sainsburys on a Friday night and buying a bottle of wine with the highest percentage alcohol with Emily…… yes I did and we went to that weatherspoons in Guildford which is like a bloody club. My mental health at GSA was strong but there was an underlying need to be approved…… This sinister feeling would show its ugly head and haunt me for life.